My Daily Journal#3: SO WHAT IS SHE FIGHTING FOR?

Every time she used to hold that photograph in her hands, her fingers would become numb. This time, she wanted to try it again. Just to know how that would feel, after so long. As this time, things are different. She doesn't have, and doesn't want, that one single aspect of her life that she was once dying to have. That one single aspect that she thought she couldn't live without. That one single aspect that mattered to her the most. That one single aspect for which she agreed to exchange her love and dignity for complete misery. 

She wonders, how did all this happen? She couldn't blame anyone. She knows it was her mistake. She had committed a crime. The crime of playing with her own heart, victimizing her own self. The crime of giving in too much space and effort to the unreal and unstable areas of her life which had made her too busy to work on the real and stable ones.

Her world had always been revolving around the life of others, instead of her own. She never really paid attention to herself as an individual, unconnected and detached to the rest of the world. From the very beginning, as a kid, she had only learnt to love and take care of her family and friends and nothing else. Help them, emotionally uplift them, pamper them, and to make them happy no matter what her own circumstances were. Make everyone smile. And most importantly, to try and win over those who didn't love or appreciate her. She wasn't always successful, but she always tried. The funny thing is that this task would have been much easier if she had loved and pampered herself instead and improved herself to such an extent that nobody could have ever denied appreciating her. She never attempted to mold herself, to sharpen her qualities or skills in any sort of way and that was supposed to be really disturbing.

But over time, she had learned to turn her wounds into wisdom. And the incidents of her past isn't the reason why she is fighting right now. To be honest, she still didn't yet learn to completely give up on others and pay attention to herself as a priority...but that isn't the major reason that is bugging her either. The problem is, that even if she starts to see herself as a detached individual, she doesn't know where she stands. She doesn't know who she is. She never tried to create a respectful and worthy individuality of herself, and so that is what she's fighting for. She's fighting to know who she is. She is fighting TO CREATE AN IDENTITY FOR HERSELF.

Because in the end, it is not about who you were or who you are, its about who you choose to be.

She wants to go crazy. She wants to learn and explore every possible aspect in the world and add it to her personality if she possibly can. She wants to feel complete, without needing any other person in her life. There is no one single aspect in her life that she wants to deal with.

Neither that photograph was a one single piece anymore. She picks up the two halves with both her hands. Blood rushes through her fingers. She places both of them separately beside her bed. The numbness has gone. True, this time, things are really different.
Copyright © Upasana Goyal 2014